there are roads left in both of our shoes

This is all so awkward. I hate having to interact with people i'm not familiar with. I've gone so long hanging out with the same people that i totally forgot that i'm horribly shy. very very shy. and it makes me very awkward. and i'm not funny at all when i'm uncomfortable. I can't handle being single again and having to interact with girls while wondering what they think of me and making a fool out of myself because i get so damn nervous. it totally sucks living in such close quarters with kids who, for the most part, are all completely better looking than me, and being surrounded by girls that are either mostly drunk and chasing after said boys or who're just not interesting. It's like i'm so used to hanging out with a few kids who were all so radically different but who somehow meshed together perfectly, and now i'm surrounded by endless cookie cutter versions of the kids i didn't find interesting enough to hang out with when i met them in high school. i miss knowing that i had one girl who didn't care how awkward i was or anything... i didn't have to give a shit about anything. now i get dragged into random peoples' rooms by the few acquaintences i've made either through my totally rockin' music collection or by sharing a class, and i stand against the wall and feel thirsty because no one has any god damn non-alcoholic beverages. even the fucking orange juice has fucking alcohol in it. i mean i don't give a shit if kids party, but so far i've only found one extremely annoying kid who DOESN'T party, and watching parties gets boring as hell when there's no one else to laugh at them with AND nothing to drink. so far i've walked downtown alone at midnight three times. My old friends that are still here are still fucking awesome, but i can't help but feel like i'm missing out on something when i get back to my room at whatever hour in the morning and everyone is still partying and my friends that went away are still partying and their parents are partying and the animals in the woods are partying and the fucking flies that are in my room sometimes are partying and the annoying puddle in the shower room floor is partying and the partys are partying. i'm really awkwardly restless all the time - i have like endless energy but i'm so tired at the same time. i absolutely hate not being able to throw my money around. this surprisingly intelligent girl with big boobs wanted me to go downtown with her today, and i could barely talk to her to tell her that i had plans with my old friends. i hope she tries again. today these two girls were staring at me awkwardly while i was walking back to my room from class and they were whispering, and then eventually asked if i lived "in mercy?". i said "yeah" and they said "us, too." i kept walking a little and they asked who i was. i said "Ray". they said "Gray?" and i said "R-a-y." they said "oh." i kept walking a little, then i stopped and looked back and asked them what floor they lived on. the annoying little fat one said "1st" and the attractive-from-a-distance one held up one finger. meaning 1st. i said "cool, i live on the ground floor." they said that was neat, and asked if i had a "sweet air conditioned room." everyone always asks if i have one of the sweet air conditioned rooms. i said "nah, i have a single, it's hot." it sounded like i was hitting on them. but i mean, it is hot in here. they said that was awesome. i said "see ya around" and walked off, but the timing was thrown off by my extended spacing between words due to nervousness. so it didn't look that cool or dramatic. the "pretty" one facebook messaged me that kurt vonnegut rocked her world and that i should visit. 128. i assume she's in there. 128, that is. i haven't visited though. i haven't hooked up with caitlyn stroupe yet either. she probably doesn't want to anymore. i made out with this one girl, but she was a little high still, i think. i tried again another time but she wasn't high and it didn't work. that was nice. i felt nice. sometimes i sit outside on the picnic bench and eat an apple. i ran out of apples though, so now i don't really go outside because i don't have anything to hold in my hand. the other kids have cigarettes or girls, but like.... bottled water looks lame. why would i go outside to drink bottled water? Oh man, two really good shows are coming up. On October 4th i get to go see the Kings of Leon at higher ground, and then on the 26th i get to see fucking Saves the Day. that's been like a dream of mine since freshman year. other freshman year. saves the day is so good. they have music for any mood. sometimes they're all fast and intense and then other times they're just rockin' it slowly, and then sometimes they're all psychadelic... it's fantastic. My Eastern Religions proffessor is the man. his name is Professor Chen. He's very apologetic. He has a real life chinese accent and he likes to tell us jokes which are actually just nifty little stories that make you chuckle a little. he gets really into his lectures and i turn on and off the lights for him when he uses the projector, since me and my large breasted friend stephanie sit in the back corner by the door and light switch. stephanie really likes to talk, she told me about how she is in honors college because that was the only way her parents would let her go to UVM instead of a better school, and about how her friend was the last in their class, and how she wants this tattoo that has something to do with the grateful dead and how she plays banjo and likes turtles, and how she hung out with this kid who looks like j/gerry garcia and how it would be funny if she hooked up with him so that it would be like she was with j/gerry garcia. she's pretty cool i guess. she's kind of like a physically less attractive dana wilkins who likes to smoke and drink (it's "chill" that i don't though) and who is actually intelligent. whatever man. it's too much work to apply myself towards girls. my advisor still hasn't gotten back to me about how to meet with him/her, and i really need to because i don't know if i'm wasting my time in this chem class which is not for chem majors (which i am) and which is exactly the same as the chem class i took last year. the teacher said it would be a nice refresher and that i could somehow get into the same class next semester that i would have gone to had i taken the right class this semester... but that doesn't seem right. either way, i already opened the 170$ book which can not be returned, so i guess fuck it. i don't even know if i want to be a chem major. i kind of like physics more. math is chill too. haha, what if i was an engineer? i could see me as an engineer. except i think that requires some amount of creativity, and i'm not really very creative. i realized today that i'm very bland. i realized this after i told stephanie that i didn't like dogs, and she said that i don't like anything, because so far i hadn't really liked anything she had been talking about, and also my room is very bland looking. i'm just kind of bland. i like my food plain. i lost like five pounds within the first week of being here. i walk SO MUCH and eat not so much. i've gone downtown multiple times in one day, on several different occasions, and downtown is like a 15 minute walk (uphill on the way back) on top of the walking to and fro classes and the bathroom haha. so much walking. if i lived on a higher floor i could grow such a nice butt from all the stair climbing i'd do. HOLY SHIT. this thing is so long. i've been writing since 12:58 and it's now 1:48. i hope no one actually reads this. no one probably will. i could say whatever i want right now. if you actually read this, call 363-7628 and say "Macaroni". just "Macaroni." hahahahahah... good movie right there. today was actually a pretty good day, now that i think about it. i had good times with Crew 2.0 Remix and then i came back to my room and saw these two crazy drunk girls having a toga party by themselves and some other crazy stuff when that annoying asian connecticut-hardcore-fan kid, Tim, asked me to go room hopping with him. writing all of this crap has made me feel quite good. i have to sleep now though, for it is 2 o'clock and i have class at 11:15. so i don't actually have to sleep. but i'm going to. I'm such a fucking schizo... god damn't hahaha. livejournal makes me crazy. I love y'all.